Know

I don't even know
what I want anymore
do you know?
can you tell me?
of course you know
so why can't I know?
I want to find out
to discover
the depths of my own soul
but can I know?
at this time can I know?

Confessions (Because Kelly Wanted Them)

Self- discloser, not my forte... but, here goes...

I don't really know what to say...

I'm in the lobby and I'm surrounded by freshmen

I'm intimidated by some of them, but I would never let them know that.

Sometimes I'm really upset, but won't let anyone know

Most of the time I don't know what to say and I have no idea where the words come from

I really just want to be a better person--but I always screw it up

I am overly critical of myself, not how I look, but how I act and the choices I make. I measure myself against others and find myself coming up short, I hate that

I'm a shy person inherently, so having a leadership role helps me feel in control and less shy

I hate big groups because I never know what to say, I like to get to know people really well, I kind of hate knowing them only in passing

There are people I really want to get to know, but I'm afraid of getting into their little group because I'm already so involved in mine

I always say I'm going to change and become more outgoing when I go new places, but I'm really just the same

Sometimes I hide behind the whole Tomboy act even though I'm a hopeless romantic at heart

Everyone thinks I'm older than I really am and says I act really mature, but some of my favorote moments are spent with friends who I love so much I can be as immature as I want...

Even, even more thanks

92) Running around Kelly's house at 1am, in the snow, barefoot
93) Kelly's Mom's Goodnight kiss
94) Jeremy's Prank Chewie Call
95) My Ireland Planner
96) Amanda's Brayden Background
97) My New Scrapbook
98) Katy and I's friendly conversation
99) Dr. Hamilton's Classes
100) My Church
101) Spring Break being almost here
102) My new dress
103) My new camo pants
104) Calvin and Hobbes
105) Melting Snow
106) Taco Bell
107) Elaine playing Bullshit and I'll Take That, and teaching us NERTS!
108) Christian and I getting along
109) Robin Hood
110) Fat Tuesday
111) Lent

Dubbed

The Polar Bear King is Dubbed. How could I not have known?

Then again, so much else in life is.

What is there left to believe is real? Where is the Truth?

Initial Response

As soon as I got back to my room after hearing of Dave's death- I wrote these words:

I'll never forget the time he said
"You have nice carpet"
How was I to know that would be one
of the most substantial conversations
we ever had
I saw him just a few weeks ago @
Lifetime. He smiled.
I don't know why it happens
Or why he had to die
Some disease so rare-you can't get it
After you're 5
But Dave did
and Dave died.
Why?

Fox and Chewie

Gummi Bears

Dashing and daring,
Courageous and caring,
Faithful and friendly,
With stories to share.
All through the forest,
They sing out in chorus,
Marching along,
As their song fills the air.

CHORUS:
Gummi Bears,
Bouncing here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that's beyond compare,
They are the Gummi Bears.


Magic and mystery,
Are part of their history,
Along with the secret,
Of gummiberry juice.
Their legend is growing,
They take pride in knowing,
They'll fight for what's right,
In whatever they do.

CHORUS:
Gummi Bears,
Bouncing here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that's beyond compare,
They are the Gummi Bears.

CHORUS:
Gummi Bears,
When a friend's in danger they'll be there,
Lives and legends that we all can share,
They are the Gummi Bears,
They are the Gummi Bears,
They are the Gummi Bears!

And More...

80) Kelly's Scarves
81) Clean Stairs
82) Weekend OFF
83) Kelly's Mom's House, complete with Cookie Dough
84) The Order
85) Gummi Bears
86) New Nicknames
87) WEB CT
88) Residents Laughing
89) Pop Machine Flashing
90) The BOOK
91) Sleepover!!!

Reflections

I was so discouraged my first few months as a freshman. I was disappointed that I couldn't find anyone on campus who was really following Jesus. I thought I was surrounded by a bunch of hypocrites. When in fact, I was the hypocrite. Because I wasn't giving people the time of day. I didn't know anyone well enough to know what they were really like. I realized that, and I forced myself to get involved. I went to Baton Rouge, with a whole bus full of people I didn't know. That was something I would have never done!

And then, I applied for RA. Because I wanted to have an impact on girls like me, who don't fit in.

These questions are all too relevant to me right now. I feel like I've been standing at the edge of the ocean and wondering if I'm supposed to walk on the water, swim, or dive. I know I cannot walk on water alone, so I'm not sure I want to risk it. But, I don't want to swim either, because I'll get tired. And, if I dive, will I ever see the light again?

I feel like I have to choose what direction my life is heading. I've been contemplating switching my major. I really want to teach. But, I still feel called to ministry. I was trying to decide if I wanted to switch to Interdisciplinary Studies instead of Christian Ministry. I have however, decided to say with CM. I'm now struggling to choose between behavioral science and English education for a minor. You all really don't need to know all of this, but I suppose it is relevant to the question.

There are so many things I want to do with my life. I want to move to Ireland, I want to teach in China, I want to live in Africa... I want to get married, I want to have kids...

I want so much, but at the end of the day, I ask myself, what does God want. And, God answers, I want you at Rochester College. There is something about this place. There is something about the RA job that keeps me going, even when those around me cannot continue. I love my job. I love connecting with my girls. I like to think that I'm making an imprint on their future. I don't feel like that everyday, some days it is a struggle just to get out of bed and face the complaints, but at the end of the day, as I find myself praying for the girls, I know I'm where I'm supposed to be...for now.

Dave

The World doesn't stop for death,
Death doesn't stop the world,
I always thought it would.

I always thought everyone would know,
I thought everyone would realize,
That someone was gone.

I thought you could feel the loss.

But that isn't so.

The world keeps working,
shopping,
talking,
laughing,
even when someone has died.

They can't all feel the void,
There was never a part of them touched,
They cannot miss what they never had.

I wish they would,
Then I would feel better.

Or, maybe I wouldn't.

I
Don't
Know

Taking the Hill

It was cold. Too cold to be outside. Everyone who was smart was in a house, that included my mother. But not us. We Jenko Girls like our adventures. And this time we dragged along a Johnson, a May, and Webb, and a couple of Sutherlands. The Place: The snow covered hill that led to the gulf course.

It was quite a long process fitting everyone’s chub (including my own) into suits suitable for the snow. In the end we all resembled characters from Empire Strikes Back. Only there was no large snow creatures involved in this story. After adequately dressing for the chill we made our first steps toward the hill.

It was smaller than I had remembered, that seems to happen a lot when you get older, everything shrinks. But, it was still a worthy adversary, especially for the May. After a few strenuous climbs to the summit he traded our company for the more homey confines of the house. Ah, twas his loss. For the adventure only escalates, and in time we were joined by the master sledder himself, Dad. He may have climbed over the hill a decade ago, but that doesn't seem to affect his skills in the least. He took the hill like Chamberlain and his men down Little Round Top.

The Sutherlands mostly walked around like snow creatures, making me wish to recant my previous statement regarding the lack of such. They were however, Pink.

The Johnson faired well for her first attempts at a hill. She quickly caught the sledding spirit and joined in with force. She was even up for a four-girl open sled (do I hear jingle bells?).

The Webb, being experience only on Indiana snow took a few runs to acclimate herself to Michigan snow and then she was a silent terror. On the saucer she would fly over the jump with astonishing speed.

The Third sister was of course sporting her long jester like hat that has been a trademark for years. She amazed us all with her extreme balance skills as she kneed her way down on a saucer.

The Second sister had a new look that day, to spice up the group. A white face mask of unusual sorts that made her resemble a albino ewok of sorts. Her great act came later though, when she bare faced played the part of the Lady of Shallot down the darkened hill.

The First sister, well, she mostly made a fool out of herself, because that is always fun and attempted to jump on the Second sisters sled at the base of the hill- only to create mayhem. She was also the bottom of the stacked sled every time. This is because of the strength she has procured from years of farm work.

And so, a cold winter day was made more enjoyable by crazy, amazing, hill antics. Brought to you courtesy of the Jenko's.