I think I will be very open right now:
- I was mad at Courtney for calling me out on my driving in front of other people. Not mad like "she sucks" but mad like "why would she do that to me?" I realize, now, that is irrational and I'm not even sure I wouldn't have done the same thing. But nevertheless I admit I felt somewhat betrayed. My mind worked on the situation all that night and next morning. I came up with ridiculous motives I'm now pretty ashamed of. Things only got worse at assembly. Jeremy and I walked in and Courtney was in the front row (this was the day of Shane Clayborn). Jeremy made a joke like "I don't want to sit by her" as we moved to the row behind her where there were more seats open in case Amanda decided to join us. I made a poor attempt at testing the waters/lightening the mood by added on "no, I just don't want to sit next to her" pointing at Amanda what'sherface in my anatomy class who was sitting there. We sat and Courtney did not join so I assumed she was mad at me. Halfway through assembly it dawned on my how my comment may have sounded if she hadn't seen my gesture, like I really was pissed and didn't want to sit next to her (Courtney). Feelin the fool, I planned to clarify after assembly but the mad rush dashed that idea. Eventually the tension passed but I still feel badly that it happened. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry.
I tend to take my job very seriously. Deep down I’m an incredibly serious person. When I have a position of authority I take on that more serious side if something arises that I call into question. When I was a camp counselor I was all fun and games until we were at the beach and kids were taking a swim test. I would like to be more carefree about certain things. I’ve always wanted to be able to live life on the edge. I’m always checking myself to make sure I’m not being a party pooper, because that is the natural role I assume. I called Kelly out because I felt responsible for the other residents in the car. As much as those girls are my friends, they are also my residents. I was not worried for their safety. Kelly is a very good driver. I would however feel terrible for Kelly if something happened to them. My Parents have drilled into my head since I started driving that I am responsible for the people in my car. My sister was in a car accident with her best friend during drivers training and it kind of scared me. When I drive alone, I don’t always drive the safest. But I’ve had parents look me in the eye and promise me I wouldn’t turn up the music too loud with their kids in the car. I guess I’m just saying that a lot of things were going through my head, none of them being Kelly is a bad driver. I was really just concerned about what the girls were thinking, and if they felt comfortable. I don’t want to put people who I am in charge of in a situation where they don’t feel comfortable… I really did know you were joking in assembly, I think I was just annoyed that day because I had saved you seats and you didn’t want to sit in them. I knew Amanda wasn’t coming, but you didn’t. In the end it was just a misunderstanding on my part.
- Jeremy and I took a walk tonight and talked about you guys a bit. We both feel like as individuals, we each have something to offer the others. Jeremy has his manliness. I have my sarcasm. Amanda has her individuality/stubbornness (I don't think they are mutually exclusive traits). And Courtney has her delusions - I mean fantasies ;). I think Jeremy and I offer a challenge to Courtney and Amanda (especially) to step outside comfort zones. Amanda definitely challenges me to be more humble, gentle, and accepting. Courtney challenges me to be more down to earth, less self-absorbed (by not being that way herself), and creative. I think that we all challenge each other to question our own comfort zones and critique why we have grown to accept them. I hope to never grow so complacent that my comfort zone becomes stagnant. I hope the people I choose to spend my time with would be the type to challenge me in that way. I suppose I'm being a bit arrogant to assume you guys are the same way but I try to do the same for you. I feel like Courtney needs to loosen up a bit when it comes to talking about her feelings - I mean her TRUE, DEEP feelings. I also feel like Amanda needs to let go of inhibitions, routines, and a bit of stubbornness every now and then. I could be coming across very poorly but these are some of my thoughts and I make no claims to be the best at these things.
We do each bring something to the friendship. It is amazing that we all hang out really. Who would have thought? We all have different backgrounds that we bring with us. None of us can fully understand each others. My parents have always been married, all of your parents are divorced. I can’t relate to that. I can try to understand. But in the end all I can do is use my overactive imagination. I grew up with sisters, I can’t even understand boys in the way all of you do from either being a guy, or having brothers. There are other differences of course, but who wants to spend time naming them all. I spend most of my day in class or being the RA. I really don’t let my guard down. But when I am with all of you, that’s when it goes down. And, yes I can get kind of crazy. But, it’s in the way I was raised. My sisters are exactly the same. And yes, sometimes I know I can be annoying, really annoying! But, it’s because all of that has been bottled up. Everyone has always told me I’m a really serious person. I tell them they really don’t know me. You guys have seen that other side of me that I’m only comfortable showing to those I trust most. I’m probably not the best at revealing my TRUE, DEEP feelings. I’m used to not having a best friend and writing everything in a journal or talking to God. All three of us Jenko girls are kind of like that. We like to keep our feeling to ourselves sometimes. I even think that sometimes we like to wallow in self pity. I will try harder to be more disclosing about my feelings. But I also need to have a more serious context to discuss those things than in the midst of NCIS and I’ll take that.
- When I found out I was not going to be an RA I felt nothing. Once you guys left that night Jeremy and I got in the car and he told me to call Courtney and sign out ("trust me" he said). I did and he just began rambling about how as soon as we got there Courtney said something like "so does she know?" and Jeremy said "what?" and Courtney said how the selected RAs had been emailed that morning and I was not one of them. I think Jeremy said he would be the one to tell me and the rest of the evening I went on being blissfully unaware of what was going on. (To be honest, Jeremy was a bit angry to be given the responsibility of delivering the bad news but personally I appreciate the way that was handled.) He then went on and on and finally hit the punchline when we reached the Avon/Rochester light. Like I said, I felt nothing. I thought it was cute how upset he was for me, I thought it was sweet how Courtney had fretted a bit about how to tell me, I put together some strange behaviors that I had noticed that evening from all three of you, and I felt nothing but warm fuzziness that my friends cared that much about me to put up a charade all night long. I'm of course assuming it was done out of love and not fear of my wrath or any other bad reaction. I'm going to continue with that assumption since the other possibility makes me sad. Anyway, I did eventually cry a bit but the more I thought about it the more I was OK with it. Jeremy and I would not have been able to spend as much time together, especially if I wasn't able to sign out ever. This way the rooming situation doesn't necessarily have to change (depending on my dad). And this way I have more freedom to myself, which lets face it I need in order to play as much Katamari as I plan to ;) But seriously, I am a bit sensitive to the topic still (no one likes going through all that just to be rejected - especially after I made the mistake of being a bit overconfident).
I really struggled with telling you. In the end I consulted Jeremy because he knows you best. He said that he would tell you. Throughout the evening I kept questioning him about whether or not he was sure he wanted to tell you. I’m sorry if you felt at all like were we being secretive. You were so happy that night, I hadn’t seen you so happy in a while. I just did what I would have wanted all of you to do for me. It really was done out of love. I think you really will be glad of being able to spend more time with Jeremy next semester.
- I get a little possessive about my mom. I love that she is so cool about us going over all the time and that she is eager to cater to us. That is amazing to me. I am still a bit apprehensive since she was never really THAT pleasant to me for this long of time and a part of me fears she is just playing hostess to my friends and gets to be the "cool mom" to you're guys' eyes. Jeremy has pointed out how I can be jealous sometimes. For instance, I've half-joked with Elaine about whether she would rather have one of you two date Jeremy since you guys don't do the whole harsh joking thing with her that I got from Jeremy and Jon. Even when I first started dating Jeremy, I was a bit competitive with Brenda for Elaine's affections, even though she had known Brenda for over 5 years before she met me. So you see that when I see my mom tapping Courtney and beckoning her upstairs to show her some knitting or give her a pair of shoes or whatever, I'm sizing that up as a form of competition. It's pretty ridiculous - trust me, I'm aware. But this new relationship I have with my mom is still fairly raw and I'm struggling to find out where I fit into her life. This is totally my thing, don't worry - I'm aware of that.
I understand on a very basic level (I don’t claim to understand very much) the way you are feeling about your mom. I want you too know that I really want to support you in this. Sometimes it’s awkward, but I just try to treat her like I would want someone to treat my mom. If you want to talk about this more, I’d love too, but not on-line!
- I'm aware I think I know things about you guys but I suppose I should be more open to the possibility that I could be way off. I think I know why Amanda says something or I think I know why Courtney does something but in reality I could be dead wrong. I don't think I am otherwise I wouldn't think it in the first place but I am open to the possibility that I don't know everything (I'm being facetious here). I only ask that if I do presume too much that it is not only corrected but also clarified.
1 comment:
I feel really really odd saying this, since I'm so much younger and all, but I'm proud of both of you for saying what you feel. I wish I could be this honest with my friends.
And there is something with Jenko girls and sometimes wantign to keep things to ourselves or wallow in self-pity. Maybe it could be a human thing or a girl thing, but I think living with each other, and out parents, in our house, in the way we grew up, may have had something to do with it. That may not seem to make sense considering we had such a "good life," but I do think it's true.
Anyways, I appreciate your honesty. Like I said, I wish I could be honest with more of my friends.
(oh, and very true what you said about getting to know people more just by spending time with them. I'm trying to not try and predict how people are going to act in certain situations and it's surprising how much people can surprise you.)
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